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Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Since my last defill then fill, I have managed to lose the ten pounds that I accumulated in the 60 days I was without a fill. Not too bad, really. I gained 10 in 60, and lost 10 in 60, and really, didn’t do much in the second 60.

I think the thing is, well, I know the thing is, is portion control. It’s always been my downfall. I cannot stop eating when I have the opportunity. It’s a bad relationship and there’s no way out of it. I eat almost to survive, to get through the tough times. I am a closet eater. I eat in my car, or I’ll sneak something when no one else is around. I have extra snacks in my desk because I am always thinking about food.

Today, at a meeting, I meant to get chocolate. Just small Halloween snacks. Give a bucket full to the people at the meeting, and put the rest upstairs in my office to have for later.

No one else knows except for my readership here. And really, almost five years down, do I really have a following here or am I alone?

In two weeks tomorrow will be my five year anniversary being on the band wagon. How intense is that? Where would I have been if I didn’t have this? Is there something online that can show me what I would look like if I put on what I lost? It’s intense for sure.

Below is a picture of Lyndsey and I, just before I broke my foot (excuse the hair and the clothes, we were getting muddy, so it didn't matter what we were wearing). I constantly look at this picture and wonder if that is really me. Do I really have a waist like that? Lyndsey took a picture of Tanya, Leo and I on Friday, and I mentioned my neck and how boney it looked. Does it always look like that? I actually said something like “ewww, look at my neck.” And well, apparently it looks like that all the time.

Weird.

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

So I went for a fill on Saturday. Tanya and I went to the remote clinic out in Mississauga. It was super quick - probably less than 2 minutes in the room and out. It may have taken longer to actually walk to the room than to do the whole step on the scale, now step off the scale, now lift your shirt up and take in some saline, put your shirt down and go drink some water (or in my case - iced tea).

Life since the fill has been uneventful. I definitely can feel the difference. I am full faster, and can eat less than what I could have on Friday. I have had to sit up straight to allow for the food to go down more in the past couple of days than I have in the past 60 days.

Yes, it had been 60+ days since my defill. That is 60+ days where I have had a chance to see what life was like almost without the band. And that was 60+ days too long. Seriously. I hate the way my clothes fit right now. I am so upset with myself. What did I do? Not that I didn't do anything specific, but why did I go back to my old habits? Why did I find it so easy to fall back to where I used to be?

On the plus side of things, I am not nearly as hungry as what I was. I mean, I was hungry ALL.THE.TIME. So I guess you could say it's good that my mind isn't constantly worried about what food I'm going to eat next.

You know what's crazy? The fact that I don't even find pleasure in eating. I am finding it more of a chore right now than anything. I think about the process of eating, from peeling or shredding, to cooking or baking, to saucing it up or freezing it or whatever...and it's not very appealing to me. I am taking that as a good thing.

I didn't eat dinner tonight until after 9pm, and really, I wasn't that hungry. I ate more to eat than ate because I was hungry.

Saturday was a reality check for what my life has been like lately. Sometimes I wish I could just breathe.

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Typically, I would start with “well, it’s been a while since I wrote in here, so much has happened, where do I start?”… and it’s true, maybe I should start that way because a lot HAS happened.

I had been experiencing a lot of acid reflux at night time. It didn’t matter what time I was eating at, or if I was flushing my pouch later on to get rid of whatever food was left in there or not, the reflux was there. I knew something was wrong, that my band had slipped… just like last time. I would be sleeping, and almost like clockwork, between 1230 and 230am every night, I would have reflux in my mouth. GROSS. Seriously. I was sleeping propped up with 3 – 4 pillows. And I wouldn’t even call it sleeping…

Booked an appointment and had a defill of 2cc’s. It was crazy. Immediate relief. The feeling of a defill when something is wrong is so hard to describe. It was as though I could breathe again. Like everything inside of me that was tight one minute, and the next… just so good.

It was about an hour drive home. In that hour, I think about how I am not going to overeat. How I am going to be a good bandster and eat the same portion size I did prior to my defill. Same helping size.

Old habits die hard.

It is now almost 2 months later – actually – it may just be over 2 months now that I think about it. My portion size is most definitely bigger. There is a plus side to being defilled. I mean, you can eat pretty much anything you want, and your quantities are definitely larger. With me, not only do those apply, but I also can’t stop eating.

Or being hungry.

I am hungry all.the.time.

Seriously. I can’t stop thinking about food or just eating. I mean, it’s 745pm. I had 2 fajitas for dinner, and I could eat 2 more just 45 minutes later. Seriously. My lunches are never big enough.

I have had sixty days of being loose and ‘free’ almost. A reminder of what life used to be like almost five years ago. I know I have gained in the past 60 days. I know for a fact. I hate the way my clothes fit on me. I hate the ‘tight’ feeling. I know I have big arms, and I know I have a spare tire of loose skin around my stomach, but I feel ‘plump’ and round and that none of my clothes fit properly.

The truth is, is that I knew exactly what I have been doing. I know that I could have made an appointment for a fill sooner. But it was summer (and still is), and I was going on vacation, and I just wanted a break.

A break from the band? Are you kidding me? Who just wrote that?

I did.

Ok – so I have made an appointment for a fill this Saturday. I cannot live like this anymore. If I was without the band today, I may just weigh twice the amount that I do now. And yeah, it’s crazy, but I think about the band or food (even if I am not hungry) or my weight all the time. And I wonder still what people think of me.

I find I am self conscious way more at work than anywhere else. I guess it’s because of the clothes I wear. I have noticed my pants are tighter, and my shirts don’t fit as well. Does everyone/anyone else notice at work?

Old habits die hard, really.

Really really hard.

Thursday, 25 June 2009

So it’s been a while since I updated. I figure I should write something down. Some stuff has happened over the past little while, I want to make sure I don’t forget about it.

The past month or so (up until last Wednesday) I had been dealing with acid reflux. Sure, it’s manageable. Rolaids are one of my best friends… but it still sucks. And even more so, it’s been happening every night. Every night without fail at 1228am.

That’s fine and dandy except I am asleep at 1228am. Have you ever felt like you were choking? Try having that feeling at 1228am and it wakes you up because you are choking on the reflux. It’s even more horrible because reflux is basically throw up. And it ends up in the back of your throat, but not so much in your mouth and you end up swallowing it.

Yes, it is THAT gross. And yes, I have to be THAT specific.

So yeah, every night pretty much it was happening. It was getting to the point where my voice was scratchy because I was constantly being almost sick every night. And it would last for 2 hours at least. So I’d lay there in bed, propped up by 3 or 4 pillows and trying to sleep. When you fall asleep sitting up, it’s one thing. When you try to fall asleep sitting up, it’s another. It’s horrible.

I called TLBC and made an appointment for a defill. I was in and out (including parking) in 7 minutes. It took me an hour to get there, and an hour to get home. But 7 minutes in the clinic, the defill, and back out to my car.

I go in, and the nurse asks me how much I want to lose. Do you know that I haven’t been asked that question in almost 4 years!?! Super crazy. I tell her I just want a 1. I was almost a 4. I just want a 1.

Come on now – I’m a big kid. I’m never going to be a low 1. It’s not realistic of me to think that. A 1 would be fine.

Anyway, so I step on her fancy scale where it takes my BMI and my weight. And then I move over to the chair, and she removes 2cc’s of saline. It was like immediate relief. Like the air has just been taken out of a balloon. So good. She tells me that because I have had a slip before, I should have made the appointment for the hospital. She said that she won’t put the fill back in until all of my symptoms have disappeared completely.

This takes us to today. I am loose so I can eat a whole lot more than I could last week. And I am hungry way more than I normally would be. Maybe I wasn’t eating though because it hurt too much to do so? Maybe I knew inside that if I didn’t eat, I would experience the reflux. I know it definitely curbed what I was eating for sure. I thought twice, long and hard, about what I was putting in my mouth and what time it was. The later in the day it was, the less chance I was putting any sort of carb in my mouth. I knew I would experience it later on in the night.

I am self conscious right now about what I eat, when I eat, and how much I eat. Although I know it’s not true, it feels like everyone is watching me, watching what I eat, what time, and everything. It’s weird because I have never felt like this before. Most people experience this when they are first banded. But me – 4 ½ years post surgery – I am now feeling self conscious?

Weird.

Tanya and I went shopping last week – the day of my defill. I picked up shorts, a pair of jeans, and 2 shirts at Old Navy. I always take a long time at ON. I was telling Tanya that I try one thing on, then I end up finding like 3-4 more things that I like after I have already tried things on, so I almost always have to go back. I hate shopping for the most part, so having to go back and try things on again and again… not exactly big time fun. BUT the ON we went to was fairly quiet, and not crowded. It’s nice to shop that way. I’ll take that over a Saturday visit for sure.