Typically, I would start with “well, it’s been a while since I wrote in here, so much has happened, where do I start?”… and it’s true, maybe I should start that way because a lot HAS happened.  

I had been experiencing a lot of acid reflux at night time.  It didn’t matter what time I was eating at, or if I was flushing my pouch later on to get rid of whatever food was left in there or not, the reflux was there.  I knew something was wrong, that my band had slipped… just like last time.  I would be sleeping, and almost like clockwork, between 1230 and 230am every night, I would have reflux in my mouth.  GROSS.  Seriously.  I was sleeping propped up with 3 – 4 pillows.  And I wouldn’t even call it sleeping…

Booked an appointment and had a defill of 2cc’s.  It was crazy.  Immediate relief.  The feeling of a defill when something is wrong is so hard to describe.  It was as though I could breathe again.  Like everything inside of me that was tight one minute, and the next… just so good.  

It was about an hour drive home.  In that hour, I think about how I am not going to overeat.  How I am going to be a good bandster and eat the same portion size I did prior to my defill.  Same helping size. 

Old habits die hard.

It is now almost 2 months later – actually – it may just be over 2 months now that I think about it.  My portion size is most definitely bigger.  There is a plus side to being defilled.  I mean, you can eat pretty much anything you want, and your quantities are definitely larger.  With me, not only do those apply, but I also can’t stop eating.

Or being hungry.

I am hungry all.the.time.

Seriously.  I can’t stop thinking about food or just eating.  I mean, it’s 745pm.  I had 2 fajitas for dinner, and I could eat 2 more just 45 minutes later.  Seriously.  My lunches are never big enough. 

I have had sixty days of being loose and ‘free’ almost.  A reminder of what life used to be like almost five years ago.  I know I have gained in the past 60 days.  I know for a fact.  I hate the way my clothes fit on me.  I hate the ‘tight’ feeling.  I know I have big arms, and I know I have a spare tire of loose skin around my stomach, but I feel ‘plump’ and round and that none of my clothes fit properly.

The truth is, is that I knew exactly what I have been doing.  I know that I could have made an appointment for a fill sooner.  But it was summer (and still is), and I was going on vacation, and I just wanted a break.

A break from the band?  Are you kidding me?  Who just wrote that?

I did.

Ok – so I have made an appointment for a fill this Saturday.  I cannot live like this anymore.  If I was without the band today, I may just weigh twice the amount that I do now.  And yeah, it’s crazy, but I think about the band or food (even if I am not hungry) or my weight all the time.  And I wonder still what people think of me.

I find I am self conscious way more at work than anywhere else.  I guess it’s because of the clothes I wear.  I have noticed my pants are tighter, and my shirts don’t fit as well.  Does everyone/anyone else notice at work? 

Old habits die hard, really. 

Really really hard.

On Tuesday night in my class, we redid the run we did six weeks ago.  If you recall, I did 27 back and forths.  It was great.  I was on a high with 27, knowing I was only 2 laps behind the rest of the class.  Hey - it's a lot of work moving this big body around.

So, like I was saying, we did them again.  I 'upped' my laps by one.  The magic number is 28.  I think this class has been good 'training' if I can call it that for more of my extra curricular activities that I have been doing.

Yesterday, I did a 5k run/walk with Venessa.  It was awesome.  Here is the post that I just put up on CLB Yahoo Group:

I was banded 3 1/2 years ago by Dr. Yau at the Forrest Hill Clinic.
I am 5'10, at the time weighed over 360lbs, and I was 24 years old.

Once banded, a lot of things changed in my life. My goals had
changed, my overall focus in life had changed... I lost 80lbs my
first year. I was able to see collar bones, and a glimpse here and
there of my knees. I was able to sit in metal office chairs with the
arm rests (the ones from the 1980's that every office owned at one
time) and not get bruises on my hips or my thighs.

I am able to see the car seat between my legs. I walk up flights of
stairs without having to stop, or when I got to the top, I am able to
breathe normally. I am able to shop at Old Navy (not pants yet - I
have big hips!). My winter coats don't fit anymore.

Sure, numbers are great. It's nice to see the scale going down. But
what is really important is to log your Non Scale Victories, too.

I am now 28 years old, still 5'10, and weigh about 230lbs. Since
January, I have lost 20lbs. After being banded for 3 1/2 years, the
weightloss slows down, but it can still happen.

But really, that is not the reason I am writing (since I don't write
very often).

Yesterday morning, I entered a 5k run/walk. I walked the entire 5k
in 49 minutes. It probably would have been 45 if I didn't stop
to 'photolog' my route. Not only did I do it in 49 minutes, but I
stayed at the front of the pack. Most of the people that were there
finished about 20 - 30 minutes behind me.

Screw the numbers. Sometimes it's important to see where you were,
and how far you've come.

Hope all is well out there on the band wagon,
melissa
oct28/04

49 minutes!  WOHOO!  I am thinking about doing 1-2 5k's a month, based on the entrance fee.  Yesterday, it was $35, and the fee went to Earth Day Hamilton (we also got a not so fancy t-shirt, and were able to plant trees along Cootes Paradise in Hamilton).  There is the Rankin Run in St. Kitts that I am doing on the last weekend of May, and there is the Bell Walk for Kids Help Phone (although, you have to raise $100 to get a shirt)...

Anyway, I am still proud of my 49 minutes... there is no way I could have done that 3 1/2 years ago...

(this is us about 4km through the walk... the people in the background were not part of the walk, they were just leisure walkers.  if you're on my facebook, you'll be able to see more)